Crimey Tip: #2

This is A.M. Here to give you another crimey tip.

Ever find yourself involved in nefarious plots? Or maybe you just left your keys on the kitchen counter. Can't go through the door, if the door is locked, but windows are like doors. Doors made of easily broken silica.

But wait, don't go just breaking windows all of a sudde3n. You might want to check if you can jimmy any of them open. If you can't try johnnying them open. Clearly if that doesn't work, you can try joshing them open. After that, you're left with no option but to call a locksmith and hope they believe you live in  that home.

Oranges

Oranges are tiny little planets
They colonize dust and cat hair
Like Pioneers & Sailors
Going off to who-knows-where
Below the surface, they hold more
Something inside, like a core
It's a planet orbited by a grape
The lemon sun
And yet, I tear it
Piece by piece
Eating it like a beast
It is a living thing
Like a bird egg
And embryo I eat for breakfast
I'm as bad as an ogre
I thought I was better
A handful of seeds
From a defenseless flower
I can eat about 60 dozen in an hour
Does it make me evil?
I'm unsure
I should probably just finish eating
And get back to work.

My top 5 Least favorite plot cliches.

1. The I am your father cliché. It's trite and typically I can see it coming. Not to say that it isn't fun, just that it is overdone.

2. The dreaming problem. The main character's venture being just a dream the entire time, isn't a new idea.

3. You aren't actually the hero. Learning the MC isn't the hero of legend is something that every single book seems to so. It isn't interesting.

4. Evil mentor, surprise the mentor to the hero was actually the villian the whole time. Boo. Think is something new.

5. Self sacrifice with survival. By this I really mean characters who are built up and sacrifice their lives for everyone, then in some unexplained way, they survive.

Dr. Hounchell's Thory of Life and Everything: Mega-Man

Today's topic? Mega-Man?
When I say everything, I mean it.

 

Mega-Man. Let's talk about him. He's blue. That's a thing he is. He has powers, so that's pretty mega. His name is an adjective and a noun, so that is hyphen-esque.

 

 

Man? Man? He's no man, this is nothing but a crock of lies. He is but a mere child, an astroboy basically. Wait, astroboy isn't a boy, he's some sort of automaton. Wait! Mega-Man isn't a boy either.

 

What are we learning? What is it? We just learned that a mega man is a robot.

 

But hey, I'm not a real doctor. 

Persistence

Persistence is what separates winners from losers. Different from doing the same thing expecting different results, but way of doing the same thing eternally expecting the same result.

Pursue your dreams, int he horizon, and don't let them go, because as long as you run towards them, you make progress.

Dr. Hounchell's Theory of Life and Everything: Apples

Today's topic is apples.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. I've heard this phrase more than once in my life. What exactly does it mean?

Are apples actually that healthy? They're just plant placentas, plantcentas, so how good for you could they be.

After exactly zero research I determined that eating an apple a day would not stave off doctors, because you should probably eat more than just that. As a matter of fact based on the amount of research I did, it is more likely you would see a doctor after only eating an apple a day.

Unless, which I have yet to think this idea through, the keeping the doctor away is about throwing apples at them.

It's a theory.

Black Friday: A Poem

We we're in the red
Better off dead
Until the night after Thanksgiving
Now, we're reviving
Coming back
On a Friday that's back
Eat your turkey
But get ready to spend your money
Run to store before dessert
Desert your family, what could it hurt
Run to walmart
Grab a cart
Ignore the feelings in your heart
What's one night apart?
Capitalism needs you
It's true
So feed the beast
Your Thanksgiving feast
And wash it down with a cup of green
TVs, big, and buy 100 get one free
This is a American, it's something you need
Stuffing is nothing
Without an empty wallet
So cleanse your pallet
Give away your time
Every nickle and dime
Your worked your while life
For the world's sharpest knife
It'll cut through the emptiness in your soul
And wont bring about an emotional toll.

Inspirational Message

Ever feel like you have an idea that seems like it isn't a good idea? Like bad ideas. Like an idea that seems crazy.

Well, then why don't you do it any way? Why? Because you should. You're life could be cut short at any moment. So start a band and sign like no one is watching. Write about a book about oranges who are pirates. Smell flowers and eat sugar. And fly into the moon.

Dr. Hounchell's Theory of Life and Everything: Thanksgiving

Today's topic is Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving is a time for giving... And thanks and giving thanks. Why though?

Well, Thanksgiving was created because space aliens came to the Earth to steal our turkeys. These same aliens were incapable of being thankful, so we give thanks to stage off the aliens. Then we eat turkey anyway.

Why do aliens like birds?

Ask yourself, why do you like birds?

Face your moral delima!!!

Frylock's Rules of Stealing

The first rule of stealing is simple. Never steal exactly what you want. Always steal partial amounts of things you do not want.

Are you after a prized ruby? Well, steal some other jewelry, and steal the toilet seat, and some bread, and the knobs from cabinets.

Why? They, whoever they may be, do NOT need to know what you are attempting to steal. Knowing what you stole, makes it entirely too easy to figure out who you are. Make it look random. Make it look strange, and they may never know who you are.

Cast greater invisibility on your motive.

Water Drops: A poem

Staring at the edge of space
I'm finally face-to-face
With the end of the universe
The last lines of poetic verse

I can see it bleeding away
The last instance of everyday
Burning like a map set ablaze
It's nothing but the final phase

Darkness will mend all the light
There's nothing we can do: no fight
At least we can't see it coming
Yet, we can hear it humming

The last minute is set to pass
Humanity could never last
Little fleshy beads of water
Dissipate when it gets hotter

We're fragile like figurines
And don't even know what life means
The course was set from the get-go
This, my friends, is the last show

We asked for seconds at dinner
Now we have seconds and sinners
Tick tock, burn through the coal
Dig us deeper in our hole

Greedy droplets want all the wealth
Deplete the Earth of all her health
She's been sick all this time
All we wanted were her dimes

Darkness eating at our heart
Didn't see it, until we fell apart
Don't worry, this isn't death
It's just all that is left

The last bit of entirety
Reduced to nothing, impossibly
The last line, the last molecule
Murphy's law? More like his rule

Nothing but darkness
Nothing but endless
Nothing
Nothing

Until the faint beat of a heart
And a single bright yellow spark
From there, the darkness recedes
And from there, everything proceeds

Sitting in the spot of the burst
Was a water drop filled with thirst
The pressure of the darkness
Brought back the entire Universe

Dripping on cosmic wire  
Creating our problem, our fire
Yet, it's still water dripping
Putting an end to the reaping

Famous Acronyms: CheeseBurger

Charismatic 

Happiness 

Enjoyed 

Effortlessly 

Sometimes 

Entirely 

By 

Understanding 

Raptors

Gathering 

Empty 

Robots

Brick Wall: Situation

I find myself at a brick wall, unable to move forward or even stop. Why can't I run on forward? What I'd this mental block in my mind, standing in front of me.

Another step, running forward. I struck the wall. In try again, and I fall. The thing about this blockade, enraged.

I wish that it would leave, so that I could believe in what I was writing. I want to write. Write until I die. Write until my hands bleed ink and my pen bleeds blood.

I want to pour not only my heart and soul, but actual time into what I write. I want it to breathe and live. I want it to answer questions that I can't ask. I want it to ask questions that have no answer. I want it to be.

My words need to stand without me there, holding their hand. My words need not be final, because that is not life. My words can morph and change, just like history.

Yet none of that can happen until the bricks are gone. Until the wall is torn down. I'll stay here, waiting for a crumble of thunder. I will wait.

Red Underline: A Poem

Red Underline, under a word
I know teleport seems absurd

But it's a real thing
I promise, I do

If you look it up
You'll see it there
Under telecast
But alas, you'll have none of that
Even if it is straight facts

Here's the thing, little paperclip
Don't give me lip
And don't forget
Because even if you did

I'm the writer
I'm the word rider
I'm the guy with the pen
And you're the guy with no head

Yet, I see what you're doing
And all of your trolling
You don't believe in fiction
Causing you a little friction

Well, it's real
Check the light
Check the sight
Teleportation is no means a direction violation

Of the Universe's right

First Page of For the Score and Seven Beards Ago

Chapter One

To say that Warren was the worst of our problems, would be like saying bread was the least of a sandwich. In that he was the worst of everything. But he wasn't the worst of every time. No. Long long ago, the ancient gods of choice foresaw that he may become more powerful beyond their wildest dreams. It was because of this that they built a failsafe. Not in the sense that they figured they would fail. No. As ancient powerful beings, they were sure Warren would eventually become the one true power, more so than time or space individually. Instead, the ancient powers created a safe to contain their failure when the moment become necessary.

Except, it had failure written all over it. Warren grew strong enough to split the timelime in two. He gripped it from it's spot in the wall, and snapped it into two equally possible situations. Warren didn't know what that caused. Even if he was a Ghost Pirate Writer wearing gauntlets that controlled space, he wasn't in the alternate timelime. In the alternate timelime, he was a humble barber. A rather normal feller, who cut hair and what not. No kids, but he was old enough that people asked when he would have kids. Warren, or as he was called in his timelime, Garen, was the kind of barber who joked around with kids, but not his own.  

“Careful. If you move too much I might slice off your ear. Then I would have to feed it to my dogs,” he would say. He was the barber who cut men's beards with straight razors.

“I'm going to cut your beard with a straight razor,” he'd say. He was also the kind of barber, who used his evil group of henchmen and henchwomen (he's equal opportunity) to kidnap historically important people and take their beards. So, there was nothing atypical about him. Garen had his reasons too. If he stole the seven legendary beards, then he would gain phenomenal power. Not to be confused with pheromonal power.  

Once he killed the time traveler, everything was easy enough to manipulate. The only thing he really needed to do was kill Greg Anthony Warren. Greg was the one who could stop any time based shenanigans, and Garen killed them both.  

Presently, Garen was waiting for Abraham Lincoln to waltz into his barbershop. Abraham's beard was the one of Truth, and it gave the power to make lies seem true. He was not honest Abe, but rather, he had the power to make his lies become the truth. Abraham Lincoln pushed the door open with three of his hairy disjointed arms. He chose to keep his top hat on as he wordlessly took his seat in the barber’s chair. He gestured to his huge beard filled with bread crumbs and sugar. Garen took notice of the ten flintlock pistols strapped to the would-be president's chest. It was too bad he lost the presidency to an armadillo named Shotgun GaryBarry, but the armadillo knew how to balance a budget.

Garen took his glowing clippers from the clutches of the hellish blue liquid and wiped them on a towel. He lifted the president's mandibles and found the scissors taped shut.

Click! Abraham Lincoln pulled the hammer back on one of the pistols and pressed the barrel into Garen’s ear.

“I'm starting to think that you aren't Abraham Lincoln.”

“What made you think that?” The Not-Abraham Lincoln non-man said.

“Probably the fact that you're a flea. A very big flea, but a flea. With that, I'm going to flee.” Garen let out an amazingly long chortle, as he yanked a stray white beard hair from his shirt pocket and cracked it in half. With that Garen exploded out of the universe like a broken strin

Self Timing Lights: An Invention

Want a million dollar idea? Yeah. Well, this probably isn't it, but maybe. Just maybe.

Know how with lights in your home, it's always all of nothing? Well, how about an eclipse system? Why though you say?

For one, it could easily tell you how dark it is outside with a flip of a switch. Especially with place that have no outside facing windows.

On top of that, there would a be a secondary mode that shows the current phase of the moon, or let's the user cycle through them. Think of it like mood lightning without dimming anything.

Take this idea and go make money.

Poetic Movie Review of the Brave Little Toaster Goes to Mars

Imagine a movie milking a good enough original
Like Land Before Time or something similar
Now the toaster is back, and it's incredible

Except it's really not
The plot is ill thought
The voice acting feels delivered by robots.

Instead of being commentary that's real
The plot becomes surreal
A ceiling fan, pop corn, space travel, how am I supposed to feel

The animation looks cheap and flat
Like a McDonalds toy in a bag
Or counterfeit raggedy Ann

This all in mind
The movie has its joy
When it is most similar to Toy Story


At least the plot is different
And the expectation subverted
Even if it's logic's inverted

I give this movie, that goes to Mars
Exactly two stars.

The Top 10 Things that Sound like Shop

1. Hop.
It's like shop but without the s.

2. Market
Because a Market sounds like a place you could shop.

3. Chop
It has a similar sound structure all around.

4. Shoo
The fine line between being a vagrant and a shopper.

5. Ship
Because shop and ship share most letters.

6. Stop
Because you have to stop to get into a market.

7. Sop
Meh, don't even know, it isn't underlined.

8. Lop
Because it's like chopping and chop sounds like shop.

9. Romp
I'm running out of things that sound similar to bleed space.

10. Meerkat
Looks like market and a market is where you shop.

Roses: A Poem

Rose are red
Except when they are not
Roses are white
Unless covered in blood

Violets are blue
I don't know if that's true
If not, who are they trying to fool?

Sugar is sweet
Unless you're blood sugar is high
Then it's physically sweet, but you could die

And I love you
Like the general you
Like you guys
In that guise

Dr. Hounchell's Theory of Life and Everything: Time Again

Hello, today's topic is time. This may6 be the second or the third time that I've done time as a theme, but regardless time is relative, so who is to say this wasn't actually the first time? You know? Recently a friend of mine, who shall remain nameless, said that time is fake.

 

Time isn't fake, in my opinion at least. Though, I'd like to acknowledge that neither of us are "real" holders of doctorates. I honestly don't think that I've ever held a doctorate. That being said, time isn't fake. Time is a measurement and an observable phenomenon.

 

Inches are a measurement, but not a phenomenon. The passage of time will never be fake, because we can observe it. However time as a measurement was created by people. It's a fourth dimension created by people to locate a place in time. Three dimensions of space and a fourth of time.

 

But hey? I'm not a real doctor.

Would You Like a Chip?

This is the least Crime worthy idea of all time. The premise?

Sell a bag of chips advertising that there's no air. Because people are silly, they will buy the bag of chips, and you'll make a quick profit before the critics get ahold of it.

Ultimately, this would just be a bag of crumbs, but also isn't false advertising. Quick millionaire? Or million quickaire?

Memory Lane: An Invention

Want a million dollar idea? This could be it. Probably isn't, but it could be.

Know how you can remember a song that you haven't heard for a bit as soon as it starts playing? Let's give that same concept to anything that needs to be remembered. All we do? Just record something that needs to be remembered onto something like paper.

I'm describing a notebook and or memo.

Hmm.

Poetic Movie Review of Pokemon: I Choose You

I choose you
Straight out of Japan
About a boy
Who should already be a man
A retelling of a fable, old
For some reason (marketing) needs to be retold
Ash didn't choose
That's the irony
 Him and Pikachu
Started off fighting
The liberties it takes
Are the part most appalling?
Certain parts may have you wondering
If you should be applauding
On his first journey, Ash saw Ho-Oh
This time around, he saw it oh oh
The rainbow Pokémon
Needs a hero of legend
Ash is just dumb enough
To fit the bill in question
It's time for him to go questing
That being said, spoilers may follow
But Misty and Brock won't wallow
Why they went this route, its hard to know
But the battles were cool themselves
The movie is forgivable, and it was nostalgic
A quick cash grab that won't leave me sick
Hoping for returning cast?
You're going to be waiting until last
The only ones to return
Are the titular heroes
The rest aren't even cameos
I'd still go see it
Just for your inner kid
And your outer interest.
With this in mind
I give this movie a 3 out of 5

Dr. Hounchell's Theory of Life and Everything: Humor

Today's topic is humor. Humor is subjective. Some people don't think dead baby jokes are funny. Some people are dead babies. Not most. More people hate the jokes.

Interestingly, I do not understand how are things funny. Is it the lack of empathy? Is the strangeness of a tone?

Humor is a subject I've studied with subjections and such. But what makes Humor sweep so much. Is it the cosmic comic broom in the sky? Clearly.

Sweeping up dust that makes people laugh.

When?: A Poem

When did I do this?
Did I forget to clench my fist?
Bear with it all, and smile
Take a walk for a mile
In another set of shoes
Why am I the only one who can see?
The invisible force in mind
Why does it have two teeth by five eyes
I want to be the one to fight
But I don't know which side is right?
If I were the only one left
Would I have to fight myself
By myself without any help
I want to believe that things could be different
But they never can be
The world will turn
Until theirs no fire to churn
Yet, I remain hopeful in my dark place
 Staring into outer space
Who is that
Where is the fog
It matters not
If I'm alone

Poetic Review of Thor: The Thoringing

Though this is the third
It is the first to speak to me
It had a sense of humor
Without defecating on the story
It crammed in a bit
In it's typical run time
Unexpected characters and chats
Some hilarious mishaps
We get a look into Thor
Learning for once what a hero does
And he goes about it, just because
The visuals are breath taking
But so are the jokes
I wish I could go into length
But you have to watch it yourself
Loki is low key the god of mischief
And he continues to be Marvel's
Most interesting villain
This isn't the best like everyone explains
That honor still exists with Doctor Strange
Clearly I'm joking, and that is the truth
Like the last two movies however
The music selection is clever
And though I don't hate the formula
This is the most marvel movie to date
Seriousness sprinkled with humor
After credits and Easter eggs spread rumors
But that's the joy of Thor
He does the formula the best
With this all in mind
I have to give this movie 5 out of 5

One Haiku: I'm Lazy Today

Nanowrimo time
Gotta work on all those books
Can't blog today much

Dr. Hounchell's Theory of Life and Everything: Finality

Today's topic? Endings. Good bad, bad good, and good and bad.

Everything has an ending, and some of them seem sour. Someday, as far as I know, I'll be long gone and this blog, placed on paper will be inside of my tomb. It will be there for everyone to read, and maybe the messages will be left unscathed by time, but I doubt it.

See? I like endings. Good ones, and even good bad ones. I never love them or hate them, but I like them.

Why do they exist? Because every loop has to close. Endings and begginings are very human concepts, but they are tactile to us. Without an ending, why could anything come into existence.

Like who created God when he wasn't there? And was there a non-extreme Mr. Pibb. So endings are beautiful, because we create them. We decided what the story is by deciding how the story ends, so that gives us all the power.

Just like I'll end this blog post..

Maybe it will be predictable but maybe...

One More Step: A Lifestyle

Life can sometimes be hard. That's just how it is. It can feel like you need to take a million steps. It can feel like you are out if breath, but you can do this.

Instead of viewing the road that you need to travel in it's entrity, think of it as one more step. Walk to that treeline, walk to that stop sign. Do things in bullet points, and enjoy a small victory.

This way you are always making progress on something small, even if that small thing is part of a much larger process.

Dr. Hounchell's Theory of Life and Everything: Oranges

Today's Topic? Oranges. What do those things want?

We all know that oranges are orange, but how did that become their name too? In at least three different languages? Something sinister is afoot, it might also be a foot. Irrelevant.

Clearly, oranges have existed for all of time. They were probably the forbidden fruit, if I do think so myself. I believe that oranges have been there since the dawn of time, monopolizing the breakfast food industry.

What would oranges have to gain from that? Well, think pirates needed them to cure scurvy and what is the only reason we keep Florida around? Oranges are feeding off of our life force. That's why you need sunlight to activate calcium in Vitamin D. Oranges are sabotaging milk to gain more of breakfast.

Oranges are evil scary creature ready to kill. They are filled to the brim with acid that could blind you!

But hey, what do I know? I'm not even a real doctor.